Venomspewress is my blog about animal activism, abuse awareness and disorders, it posts easier from wordpress.

As for the language, these were direct quotes from my son’s dad from emails sent, not the language I use as it is derogatory and abusive. It was written to show why I ask these questions.

I’ve stopped being angry at my ex-husband eons ago, my anger is solely directed at your post.

My son’s father abused him emotionally, verbally, psychologically as per evidence at the court. Attorneys are quick to talk about the other party salvaging the relationship between parent and child but when you deal with an abuser you do not deal with a normal divorce/maintenance case.

You can beg that person to stop the abuse but in their mind you and their child deserves it.

I’ve tried on numerous occassions to ask him to seek help for his problems so he can build a relationship with his son, but to no avail.

He saw his first shrink at 17 when he abused 2 of his girlfriends, they don’t fix everything because it didn’t help my ex, only taught him not to use his fists.

He clearly stated that our son is in the way and he was 11 months back then.

I have moved on with my life and am happy but believe firmly that a father must love his son, accept him with his dissabilities, not abuse him, see him to know him and support him equally – this idea is not supported by my ex-husband.

He believes it’s his right to say and do to his son as he sees fit, not pay maintenance or be accountable to the court or social system.

I will never ask his mother for money as she cannot afford it.

Our son deserves to know his dad but not be abused. Abuse is not because of something you do, it’s the way the abuser thinks. Attorneys carry very little knowledge of the truly damaging effect of abuse in children or the family. Our son does not see his dad because he abuses him and won’t see him under supervision as directed by the court and thus won’t pay maintenance.

I have been raising my son alone for 2 hard years, trying to help him cope with his dissabilities. His dad only pitches every 6 months under threats and then you don’t hear from him again.

As a mom I love my son and knows he needs a dad but I cannot be held responsible for his dad’s abusive nature and this is something that is still not understood in South Africa.

Asking for help but posting under the pseudonym you have chosen is not going to further your cause, besides which you ask a question which I am quite sure you already know the answer to.

Your language in your reply also underscores your anger, professionals will wonder at your level of control behind closed doors, you have to show (and prove), that you are not being vindictive.

Your anger can be understood, I know how you must feel. If you want to be taken seriously you are going to have to stop putting the focus on your partner, and stop being too emotional no matter how hard it may be.

The focus must be on your child and what is in the best interests of the child. Remember when a professional in this field is faced with an acrimonious case they cannot jump to conclusions, they will often say that they don’t know who to believe and will rely solely on the reports and recommendations of the psychologists and social workers.

You must focus on your child’s well being, which is not just financially, the child needs a calm level headed emotionally balanced environment and must NEVER be exposed to the anger of your predicament.

This man sounds as if he is perhaps insecure and very jealous?

From your response I don’t see mention of a “husband” is it safe to assume you are not married, and the child was born out of wedlock? Did you have a lengthy courtship or date regularly for sometime before you became pregnant?

Unless this man is suffering from some sort of psychopathy, I would suggest that he harbours a deep resentment towards you as you yourself state several times that he say’s “my son’s getting what he deserves because I am his mom”

Has he asked for a paternity test? In my experience, (contrary to popular belief), it is very rare for a father to completely deny his paternity and harbour such anger.

A famous case was that of Naas Botha who denied paternity of his son until it was proven. Even then he refused to accept the child however he was forced to pay maintenance. (He felt used and that his shortlived relationship with the woman involved was no more that an attempt to capitalise on his fame and force him into a marriage) Of course he bears liability for succumbing to her advances, should it be true, merely to satisfy his shortlived carnal desire.

Please see your Attorney or apply for legal aid allow them to do their work, Maintenace is only one aspect of this matter. If your partner is psychologically unwell then you can approach the Court for an urgent order for maintenance from the paternal grandparents.

Finally remember that it is impossible to control another human being, if you do it would have to have a different name, such as manipulation or bullying.

My advise is to do everything you can for your son within the Law and then to step back and forget about this man. You will have all the proof and evidence you need to show the child when he is older, that you did everything in your power to salvage the Father / Son relationship.

As far as school fees are concerned he is liable for 50% of the fees by law, they will pursue him, and there are many others that can help you and your child.

Let it go, do your best to raise your son on your own if necessary and forget about all of this, as soon as you do that, you will feel a tremendous peace, and I suspect that your son’s emotional disorders will improve too.

Remember ALWAYS return to the best interests of the child in everything you do!

An angry, embittered and highly stressed mother is not going to help him, and you cannot rely on the state either to magically change this situation over night they are swamped and understaffed. It is both a tragedy and a sad reality.

Please take this response as a sincere effort to advise you to try not only to present yourself as caring, but to try and deal with your anger and focus more on the welfare of your child, emotionally and specifically being as he a child at risk, and with special needs,

I sincerely apologise if I caused you any pain with my original response.

Start in the home right now, where you are and carry on with your life, it’s in both your and your child’s best interest. Be strong, don’t rely on others, you have a very special child that is totally reliant on you. Good luck!

He has a history of abuse and I’ve lodged a case with the police after he threatened to find a hitman on FB, which is with the court. I can continue with reports that are at the Child Advocate due to his threats, abuse, suicidal tendencies, so NO I don’t think I’ve alienated our son from this father. He pops up once in 4 – 6 months, is an admitted alcoholic and then the next moment takes on different personas. My son is 3 and cannot be poisoned against a dad he hasn’t seen because his father refuses to stop abusing him and is allowed supervised contact due to this. So instead of accusing me of doing something get the facts first.

I’ve got the emails where I’ve asked him to see his son every 2nd weekend under supervision so his son can get to know him, pay at least half of the maintenance and stop abusing his son and try and gain knowledge of his disorders and the help he needs. His words to me were he cannot even see him once a month – fuck you bitch.

I do apologize for the language but I have over 2000 texts and emails of abuse towards me and our son and that’s before the divorce. This is all with the Child’s Advocate from which he runs everytime they find him to arrange a meeting regarding his visitations and maintenance.

So,his response everytime the attorney sends him a letter is he will write him off, he will rot in hell rather than pay maintenance, my son’s getting what he deserves because I am his mom.

I battle two disorders alone, trying to find help for a boy who has eating problems, sensory issues and ADHD. I pay every bill, sell my stuff to see my son is looked after and I get a comment like this.

It’s not always the mom alienating the dad but a father can be an abusive person who twists and manipulates words to suite himself and others and I as a mom of a son with dissabilities am trying to get his dad to act like a normal father after divorce. Pay maintenance, get to know your son, stop your abuse and realize your son is different.