Nasty or Nice. What Kind of Divorce Attorney Do You Need?

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Nasty or Nice. What Kind of Divorce Attorney Do You Need?

The answer is … A smart attorney. Smart and nice to you is even better. You want someone who specializes in family law and divorce law. Someone that you feel comfortable telling your life story to. You need someone who listens and respects you and who gives you honest and realistic answers and advice.

Divorce is a traumatic experience. You don’t deserve to be bullied and besides, given the challenges of divorcing, it just might send you over the edge.

Often you hear: “I’m not sure if I have the right attorney because s/he is, well, too nice … and my spouse can be very nasty. I need someone I know will fight hard for me.” There seems to be a misconception, especially in high conflict situations, that it takes a really nasty personality to outsmart the other side and get the job done.

Fact is, the “nasty” approach is what drives up legal bills (on both sides) and it creates so much adversity that co-parenting becomes nearly impossible in future. Furthermore, your attorney’s job is negotiating, for you, with “the other side.” If your attorney can’t even treat you well, chances are s/he doesn’t have the skills and talent a negotiator needs to succeed. Such an attorney is probably more comfortable in an adversarial courtroom setting and that means huge legal bills for you. Keep in mind, the more money you spend fighting the less you will have left to create a new life.

So instead of a surly, imposing human, it’s best to hire a smart, strategic-thinking attorney who can creatively apply the rules of law, and facts of your situation, to help you negotiate a fair settlement. Also keep in mind that attorneys, like doctors, also specialize.

For example, some attorneys like the challenge of a contentious, high conflict divorce whereas others won’t take a case likely to end up in court. There are attorneys known by their peers for expertise in custody matters, or dividing complicated estates, or international law as it affects a foreign born spouse and children. Some attorneys don’t value mediation, so if you plan to mediate be sure to select an attorney whose reputation is pro-mediation.

Family law is complicated therefore it is wise to do your homework before you hire someone. Learn about the legal process, know your finances and figure out what type of attorney expertise you need. Then interview several attorneys with a good reputation for handling your situation and trust your instincts. If you don’t connect with a particular attorney, move on and find someone that’s a better fit.

Fortunately, today many judges and family law attorneys believe going to court should be a last resort. Currently only 5% of all divorce cases end up in court. It’s seen as a very expensive, demoralizing, and risky route to take only after all other options have been exhausted. So the skills that make a good divorce attorney today have changed from the traditional bully to a smart negotiator.

That being said, there still are attorneys who prefer the old-style, adversarial theatrics of court. It brings in big bucks for their law firm sweetening the deal for them, but not you. So buyer beware.

As you move through the tasks of divorcing remind yourself you need and deserve a good return on your legal investment. Sadly, that important fact often gets trampled by the painful emotions and egos that drive divorcing. The style of attorney you (and your spouse) choose sets the tone for your divorce and often the cost. Unfortunately, if one of you chooses an inept or litigious attorney it affects both of you.

Tell yourself, and your soon-to-be ex, that this difficult transition is a small blimp on the road of life. It too shall pass and you each deserve the best start possible to build a new life for yourself and any children you may have. You have more control than you realize.

Article appeared in the Huffington Post

About:

Bertus Preller is a Divorce Attorney in Cape Town and has more than 20 years experience in most sectors of the law and 13 years as a practicing attorney. He specializes in Family law and Divorce Law at Abrahams and Gross Attorneys Inc. in Cape Town. Bertus is also the Family Law expert on Health24.com and on the expert panel of Law24.com and is frequently quoted on Family Law issues in newspapers such as the Sunday Times and Business Times and magazines such as Noseweek, You and Huisgenoot, and also appeared on SABC television on the 3 Talk TV show. His clients include artists, celebrities, sports people and high networth individuals. His areas of expertise are Divorce Law, Family Law, Divorce Mediation, Parenting Plans, Parental Responsibilities and Rights, Custody (care and contact) of children, same sex marriages, unmarried fathers rights, domestic violence matters, international divorce law, digital rights, media law and criminal law.

Hacking your husband or wife’s mobile phone is a criminal offence

Hacking your spouse’s mobile phone is a criminal offence

I acted in a divorce matter where the husband hacked into his wife’s cell phone, email and facebook accounts in an endeavour to obtain information to strengthen his case. Although it is a criminal offense this happens frequently. Actions such as these amount to a criminal offense and is illegal.  Whether you use BBM, Whatsup or Mxit, all data can be hacked.

Cell phone hacking does occur in divorce matters, but not as frequently as computer hacking. Hacking is the intent to load viruses or spyware, obtain passwords or personal information, or cause general electronic mayhem. While smartphones can have a computer-like operating system, the majority have different operating systems like Andriod or Symbian. Hackers attempt to find flaws in an operating system, which makes a cell phone or computer vulnerable to attack. Because there are a large number of cell phone operating systems, a flaw in one system may not be the same flaw in another.

Recent figures by the GSM Association group of mobile operators found 18 different spyware applications sold openly on the internet, at prices ranging from $29.99 to $847.

Most of these require the snooper to get hold of the target’s phone to install the necessary software and then intercept and monitor communications. Getting the spy software installed on a phone without physically handling it is almost impossible, so if you think you can hack a phone over the internet you can’t, because any program that is installed on the phone must be done manually. So if your spouse had your phone in his possession then chances are good that he/she could have installed software on the phone to hack it.

What can be downloaded off the cell phone?

• GPS. Since many cell phones have a GPS chip embedded within the phone, a hacker can determine your location. This in turn lets them find out places you go, like home or work.
• Contact List. A hacker can obtain and download all your contacts. In 2005, Paris Hilton’s phone was hacked and all her contacts stolen. People on her contact list received prank calls for months afterwards.
• Getting general personal information. Text messages, pictures, video: they are all vulnerable to getting stolen if cell phone hacking happens. This is akin to spyware stealing your passwords on your computer or a hacker seeking out all your private stuff in those folders you thought you had hidden away well.
• Speakerphone or Spycam. A truly inventive hacker may hijack your phone in order to use the camera to spy visually and audibly.
• Call Interception. Listen to the actual calls live on the target cell phone
• Environment Listening. Make a spy call to the target cell phone running and listen in to the phone’s surroundings.
• SMS Logging. Records both incoming & outgoing SMS and MMS
• SIM Change Notification. Get instant notification via SMS when the target cell phone changes its SIM
• Remote Control. Send secret SMS to the target phone to control all its functions

The hacker can download all the data from a web based programme to a computer, from any location in the world.

Hacking has been entrenched in our law in section 86 (1) of the Electronic Communications Act (ECT), which makes any unlawful access and interception of data a criminal offence. The section also make any attempt to gain unauthorised access a crime Section 86(3) and 86 (4) introduce a new form of crime known as the anti-cracking and hacking law. In terms of this law, the provision and/or selling and/or designing and/or producing of anti-security circumventing technology will be a punishable offence liable to a fine or imprisonment of up to 12 months.

About the Author

Bertus Preller is a Divorce Attorney in Cape Town and has more than 20 years experience in most sectors of the law and 13 years as a practicing attorney. He specializes in Family law and Divorce Law at Abrahams and Gross Attorneys Inc. in Cape Town. Bertus is also the Family Law expert on Health24.com and on the expert panel of Law24.com and is frequently quoted on Family Law issues in newspapers such as the Sunday Times and Business Times and magazines such as Noseweek, You and Huisgenoot. His clients include artists, celebrities, sports people and high networth individuals. His areas of expertise are Divorce Law, Family Law, Divorce Mediation, Parenting Plans, Parental Responsibilities and Rights, Custody (care and contact) of children, same sex marriages, unmarried fathers rights, domestic violence matters, international divorce law, digital rights, media law and criminal law.

 

Financial Tips for Women Facing Divorce

Financial Tips for Women Facing Divorce

Financial Tips for Women Facing Divorce

While neither gender has an exclusive lock on money management skills, the financial deck is stacked against women. Women earn about three-quarters of what men earn. In a divorce, they get less of the assets and more of the children. They live longer, and one in eight elderly women lives in poverty, compared to one in 12 men, according to  figures from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the same may apply in South Africa. Unfortunately, many women view money and money-related tasks as necessary evils, not opportunities to even the odds.

The divorce rate is beginning to tick upward for couples who have been married for several years, decades or longer.

Recent media reports tell the tale, and it’s easy to point to the divorces of long-time couples like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver, Al and Tipper Gore and others for evidence of what many now consider a growing trend across the world.

Older women who have been in long-term marriages must nowadays confront unique financial issues when they’re facing divorce. Just as younger brides have their own set of concerns to mull over; older women have to pay special attention to a number of financial matters specific to their age and the often sizeable assets that have accumulated over the course of a lengthy marriage.

For example, women who have been married for some time and facing divorce must be particularly vigilant about protecting their:

1.         Business

Even though it may seem incredibly unfair, a divorce can ruin your business –unless you have taken the appropriate steps to “divorce-proof” it (ideally while you were still single).

How can a divorce ruin your business? Consider this:

If you nurtured a business, and it increased in value while you were married, the amount of increased value must usually be included as part of the marital assets that will be divided between you and your husband, unless of course if you got married out of community of property without the accrual. It doesn’t matter who operated the business or how it’s titled.

2.         Retirement funds

Divorce requires the careful scrutiny of all retirement annuities and pension funds. It’s essential for your divorce settlement agreement to clearly spell out how these assets will be split and how those funds will be transferred.

Many women often make the mistake of assuming that a divorce order will fully protect their rights to their portion of their husband’s retirement annuity or pension fund. This is usually not the case, and the settlement agreement need to be drafted in a particular way to include these assets.

3.         Insurance

Most women pay careful attention to their health insurance needs. But, don’t forget: In your new role as a single woman, you’ll need to consider life, property/casualty and disability insurance, as well. What’s more, if you will be receiving child maintenance you will want an insurance policy that protects you financially in the event something happens to your ex-husband.

4.         Short-term and long-term financial stability

Following your divorce, you’ll need financial stability in the short-term, and you’ll have to take the right steps to plan for financial security into your retirement years.  For starters, you must create a budget that will allow you to maintain your lifestyle, pay off debt and increase your savings.

But, what happens if the divorce settlement doesn’t provide enough income to pay your expenses? In that case, you will need to start immediately liquidating assets to maintain your lifestyle.

5.         Assets that he concealed

What happens when you find out 2 years after the divorce of certain assets that your husband did not disclose and which would have had an impact on your initial divorce settlement? A good divorce attorney will know how to deal with issues such as these in a divorce settlement agreement, to allow a claw back to claim any assets that your ex might have hide.

The following steps may be recommended for women in a divorce:

1. Set a financial goal — be as diligent about money as you are about fitness or your career or about anything else.
2. Train yourself to be financially independent — don’t allow yourself to become reliant upon your partner’s decisions, and become involved in long-term financial planning.
3. Buy your own home — don’t wait for Prince Charming to come along and do it for you.
4. Fund your retirement annuity — an important step for everyone, not just young women.
5. Opt for long-term planning over crisis management — get serious about money now; don’t wait for trouble to strike.
6. Start investing — do it now, and don’t be afraid to make mistakes.
7. Don’t fear risk — women are especially prone to conservative investments; be willing to seek aggressive growth when appropriate.
8. Don’t go it alone — work with a financial planner to educate yourself and to feel more secure in your decisions.
9. Know that it’s never too late — remember that you can start late and finish rich.

About the author:

Bertus Preller is a Divorce and Family Law Attorney in Cape Town and has more than 20 years experience in most sectors of the law and 13 years as a practicing attorney. He specializes in Family law and Divorce Law at Abrahams and Gross Attorneys Inc. in Cape Town. Bertus is also the Family Law expert on Health24.com and on the expert panel of Law24.com and is frequently quoted on Family Law issues in newspapers such as the Sunday Times and Business Times. His areas of expertise are Divorce Law, Family Law, Divorce Mediation, Parenting Plans, Parental Responsibilities and Rights, Custody (care and contact) of children, same sex marriages, unmarried fathers rights, domestic violence matters, international divorce law, digital rights, media law and criminal law.

Grounds for Divorce in South Africa

GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE IN SOUTH AFRICA

Dissolution of marriage and grounds of divorce

A marriage may be dissolved by a court by a decree of divorce and the only grounds on which such a decree may be granted in terms of the South African Divorce Act are

• the irretrievable break-down of the marriage as contemplated in section 4;
• the mental illness or the continuous unconsciousness, as contemplated in section 5, of a party to the marriage.

Irretrievable break-down of marriage as ground of divorce

A court may grant a decree of divorce on the ground of the irretrievable break-down of a marriage if it is satisfied that the marriage relationship between the parties to the marriage has reached such a state of disintegration that there is no reasonable prospect of the restoration of a normal marriage relationship between them.

Section 4 (2) of the Divorce Act lays down three circumstances which a Court may accept as evidence of irretrievable breakdown of a marriage and these are that:-

• the parties have not lived together as husband and wife for a continuous period of at least one year immediately prior to the date of the institution of the divorce action.
• the Defendant has committed adultery and that the Plaintiff finds it irreconcilable with a continued marriage relationship
• the Defendant has in terms of a sentence of a Court been declared a habitual criminal and is undergoing imprisonment as a result of such sentence.

This does not mean however that:- the man and wife have to live in separate buildings but in the past our Courts have been unwilling to (even on a undisputed basis), hear the case if the parties are still living in the same house on the date of the application. There must be a reasonable explanation, but even then some judges have refused to grant a decree of divorce.

If the Plaintiff is a party to an adulterous relationship it may be proof of a real break-down of the marriage. If irretrievable breakdown has been proved, the court still has discretion to refuse the divorce.

In terms of section 4(3) of the Divorce Act the Court still has discretion not to grant a divorce order but postpone the proceedings sine die or even dismiss the claim if it appears to the Court that there is a reasonable possibility that the parties may become reconciled through marriage counselling, treatment or reflection. The Summons also usually contains the averment that further marriage counselling and/or treatment will not lead to any reconciliation. This evidence must also be tendered to the Court even on an unopposed basis.

The Court must therefore be satisfied that the marriage has really irretrievably broken down and that there is no possibility of the continuation of a normal marriage, before a final divorce order will be granted.

The court may postpone the proceedings in order that the parties may attempt reconciliation if it appears to the court that there is a reasonable possibility that the parties may become reconciled through marriage counselling, treatment or reflection.

Where the parties live together again after the issue of Summons, it does not necessarily end the underlying cause of the action. If the reconciliation after a few months is seemingly unsuccessful, they can proceed on the same Summons.  Where a divorce action which is not defended is postponed in order to afford the parties an opportunity to attempt reconciliation, the court may direct that the action be tried de novo, on the date of resumption thereof, by any other magistrate/ judge of the court concerned in terms of section 4(4) of the Divorce Act.

A customary marriage may be dissolved only on account of an irretrievable breakdown in the marriage and only if the High, Family or Divorce Court is satisfied that the marriage relationship between the parties has reached such a state of disintegration that there is no reasonable prospect of the restoration of a normal marriage relationship between them.

Mental illness or continuous unconsciousness as grounds of divorce:

A court may grant a decree of divorce on the ground of the mental illness of the defendant if it is satisfied that the defendant, in terms of the Mental

Health Act 18 of 1973; has been admitted as a patient to an institution in terms of a reception order; is being detained as a State patient at an institution or other place specified by the Minister of Correctional Services; or is being detained as a mentally ill convicted prisoner at an institution.

A divorce order may also be granted if such defendant has also for a continuous period of at least two years immediately prior to the institution of the divorce action, not been discharged unconditionally as such a patient,

State patient or mentally ill prisoner; and the court has heard evidence of at least two psychiatrists, of whom one shall have been appointed by the court, that the defendant is mentally ill and that there is no reasonable prospect that he will be cured of his mental illness.

A court may grant a decree of divorce on the ground that the defendant is by reason of a physical disorder in a state of continuous unconsciousness, if it is satisfied that the defendant’s unconsciousness has lasted for a continuous period of at least six months immediately prior to the institution of the divorce action; and after having heard the evidence of at least two medical practitioners, of whom one shall be a neurologist or a neurosurgeon appointed by the court, that there is no reasonable prospect that the defendant will regain consciousness.

The court may appoint a legal practitioner to represent the defendant at proceedings under this section and order the plaintiff to pay the costs of such representation.

The court may make any order it may deem fit with regard to the furnishing of security by the plaintiff in respect of any patrimonial benefits to which the defendant may be entitled by reason of the dissolution of the marriage.

For the purposes of this section the expressions ‘institution’, ‘mental illness’, ‘patient’, ‘State patient’ and ‘reception order’ shall bear the meaning assigned to them in the Mental Health Act, 1973.

The circumstances under which a court may grant a divorce order on the basis of mental illness or continuous unconsciousness is as follows:-

•  In the case of mental illness the Defendant must have been admitted, in terms of the Mental Health Act, 1973 (Act No 18 of 1973), as a patient to an institution in terms of a reception order, for a period of at least two years and in any case two psychiatrists (one appointed by the Court) must satisfy the Court that there is no reasonable prospect that he will be cured of his mental illness.

• In the case of unconsciousness the Court will only grant the order if the Defendant was unconscious for a continuous period of at least six months immediately prior to the institution of the action and also after hearing the evidence of two medical practitioners of whom one shall be a neurologist or a neuro-surgeon appointed by the Court who must declare that there is no reasonable prospect that the Defendant will regain consciousness.

In such cases a curator ad litem must be appointed to protect the interests of the Defendant (patient) and to assist the Court.

Bertus Preller is a Divorce and Family Law Attorney in Cape Town and has more than 20 years experience in most sectors of the law and 13 years as a practicing attorney. He specializes in Family law and Divorce Law at Abrahams and Gross Attorneys Inc. in Cape Town. Bertus is also the Family Law expert on Health24.com and on the expert panel of Law24.com and is frequently quoted on Family Law issues in newspapers such as the Sunday Times and Business Times. His areas of expertise are Divorce Law, Family Law, Divorce Mediation, Parenting Plans, Parental Responsibilities and Rights, Custody (care and contact) of children, same sex marriages, unmarried fathers rights, domestic violence matters, international divorce law, digital rights, media law and criminal law.

Divorce Checklist, what women should know

Divorce, what women need to know?

1. You have to understand your marriage regime, and if you don’t, then find someone who can explain it properly to you. Are you married in or out of community of property? If you are married in community of property, you will by law be entitled to 50% of the communal estate and if you are married out of community of property with the accrual system, you are entitled to half of the difference of you and your spouse’s accruals. If you are married out of community of property without the accrual prior to 1 November 1984, you will be entitled to ask for a redistribution of assets, which can entail that you may be able to claim 50% of the joint assets, but if you married out of community of property without the accrual after 1 November 1984 you will only have a claim for maintenance under certain circumstances.
2. You can under certain circumstances claim rehabilitative maintenance. Rehabilitative maintenance is where one spouse pays the other for a period of time, say for two years, so that the ex-spouse can study, for example, to get a job or search for employment. Rehabilitative maintenance can also be used in setting up house again, relocation costs, utility bills, etc.
3. Remember that you can lodge an application pending divorce to obtain maintenance while the divorce is in the process, you can also claim in such an application that your spouse makes a contribution to your legal expenses.
4. Obtain as much financial information on your spouse; make copies of all bank statements, credit card statements and the like as well as a schedule of all the assets and liabilities, sources of income etc.
5. Draft a detailed budget of your current monthly expenses and income. For you and your children. It may be worthwhile to cater for future expenses like. Secure the monthly maintenance with a cession of an insurance policy on your ex-spouses life in case he/she is disabled or dies.
6. Try to stay in the family house (if it’s close to your school or work). There is a saying in our law, that possession is 9 tenths of the law. Remaining in the communal home will also stabilise the situation of the children, as it is proven the relocation can be a very traumatic experience for the children.
7. Remember that you shouldn’t necessarily have to pay transfer duties for a property transferred to you during your divorce. You may have various options relating to the property that both of you own, for example by retaining it or selling it and divide the net profits.
8. See to it that your Divorce Settlement Agreement is drafted in such a way that that you can enforce a garnishing order on your ex-spouse’s salary should he/she default on payments, in any event, non-payment of maintenance after divorce may result in a contempt of court application.
9. See to it that your Divorce Settlement Agreement is drafted to obtain a share of any assets that your spouse has hidden and what you are not aware of at the time of divorce in that event that you are married in community of property or out of community of property with the Accrual system.
10. Don’t settle for less to get out, many women simply walk out due to the emotional pressure. Remember that divorce is always a business decision and the decisions that you make now will have an impact only years later in your life. Divorce is a legal process, it can be very frustrating and emotional draining that takes time and strategic planning. Don’t change attorneys in the process simply because of your own frustration, as they say, the battle of divorce is like a chess game.
11. Remember that your ex-spouse’s assets also include shareholdings in companies, retirement funds, pension funds and even tax refunds.
12. Think with your head and not with your heart.
13. Remember to change your Will soon after the divorce.

For legal advice contact: info@divorceattorney.co.za

About the author:

Bertus Preller is a Divorce and Family Law Attorney in Cape Town and has more than 20 years experience in most sectors of the law and 13 years as a practicing attorney. He specializes in Family law and Divorce Law at Abrahams and Gross Attorneys Inc. in Cape Town. Bertus is also the Family Law expert on Health24.com and on the expert panel of Law24.com and is frequently quoted on Family Law issues in newspapers such as the Sunday Times and Business Times. His areas of expertise are Divorce Law, Family Law, Divorce Mediation, Parenting Plans, Parental Responsibilities and Rights, Custody (care and contact) of children, same sex marriages, unmarried fathers rights, domestic violence matters, international divorce law, digital rights, media law and criminal law.

Divorce, Business Times Interview With Bertus Preller Top Divorce Attorney at Abrahams and Gross Inc.

Divorce and the obstacles facing matrimony in South Africa

Social networking sites should not be underestimated as contributors to divorce statistics. The impact of social network sites should not be underestimated in current divorce statistics as “virtual adultery” connects people outside of marriages.

The popularity of social networking websites  like Facebook and Mxit have brought the possibility to make new friends, and reconnect with old  friends from school or the more recent past, said Bertus Preller, a divorce and family law attorney at Abrahams & Gross in Cape Town. “It creates a platform for ‘virtual adultery’”. “As a divorce attorney I have seen a huge increase in the recent years in people producing print outs of emails, MXIT messages, Facebook wall screen-shots and sms messages to back up claims of their partner’s infidelity,” said Preller.

SA divorce statistics are high. Estimates suggest that 50% of all marriages end in divorce, or as much as two in three marriages end up in the divorce courts. A large proportion of those filing for divorce cite finances and money as the leading cause of separation – along with divorce or infidelity/ adultery, physical, emotional or verbal abuse, in-law problems, life transitions, addictions, childhood baggage, different life agendas, life overload, mid life crisis and controlling behaviour.

Money is a dominant theme. Many women stay in a marriage out of fear of being left with nothing. Preller said men generally want to keep their financial independence and tend to want to give away as little as possible. For many women, a divorce will be the biggest business deal of their lives.  “They need to know the financial ramifications of the decisions that they are making in the divorce and for their future. I see often that many women do not have the slightest idea of the assets of their husband,” he said.

When a couple splits, a woman’s standard of living generally drops with about 25% in the first year after a divorce. Spousal maintenance is not a right any longer, though rehabilitative maintenance i.e temporary maintenance to tie the woman over until she finds employment or until her financial position improves may be awarded to the wife depending on the circumstances of each particular case. A wife can also apply that her husband pays interim maintenance or pays a contribution towards her legal expenses pending the divorce action through rule 43 of the high court rules or she can apply for emergency monetary relief through the mechanisms of the domestic violence act if the husband abuses her financially.

Divorce is a business decision, said Preller. It is of utmost importance to obtain as much financial information as possible to establish the net worth of each party and their ability to make future payments such as child and spousal maintenance after divorce, he said.  In larger divorce matters, a divorce attorney will appoint a forensic auditor to determine the exact assets and liabilities of the parties to arrive at a fair split of the assets. Any divorce attorney should work towards what will be in the best interests of the children, if children are involved.

When an estate has very few if any assets, it may be better to use an online divorce service and it does not make sense to litigate in a divorce court because of the expense. In SA law, the patrimonial consequences of a marriage are governed by the law of the place where the husband was domiciled at the time of the marriage. If for example the husband was domiciled in England at the time of the marriage and no Antenuptial contract was entered into, the marriage will be out of community and in terms of English law. Should the parties later emigrate to SA, the marriage would remain out of community of property.

In a marriage in community of property, it is important to establish the net value of the communal estate at the date of divorce. Then one can establish what each party is entitled to. Often, spouses can’t agree on a division on the joint estate and a Receiver or Liquidator needs to be appointed to divide the assets. When a marriage in community of property dissolves through divorce, each spouse is entitled to 50% of the joint estate, which includes the parties’ pension benefits.

In a marriage out of community with accrual, an auditor often needs to be appointed to determine the accrual. Preller said however he’s been involved in a number of divorce matters where extremely wealthy people were married in community of property. They may not have received the proper legal advice, “or became so focussed on the wedding ceremony that they forget about the consequences of a failed marriage.

Where there has been a shift towards shared responsibility is with children. “When there are children involved, women generally focus more on their wellbeing than men would do. However through the years I have seen a definite shift regarding the parental responsibilities over the children”.  More and more, shared parenting arrangements between spouses over the children.

Source Sunday Times – Business Times Interview by Adele Shevel

Bertus Preller is a Divorce and Family Law Attorney in Cape Town and has more than 20 years experience in law and 13 years as a practising attorney. He specializes in Family law and Divorce Law at Abrahams and Gross Attorneys Inc. in Cape Town. Bertus is also the Family Law expert on Health24.com and on the expert panel of Law24.com. His areas of expertise are Divorce Law, Family Law, Divorce Mediation, Custody (care and contact) of children, same sex marriages, unmarried father’s rights, domestic violence matters and international divorce law.

Contact Bertus at info@divorceattorney.co.za

http://www.divorceattorney.co.za

How not to tell your spouse you want a divorce

The cruellest way you can tell your spouse you want out of the marriage is to never mention that you are unhappy and then, one day quite out of the blue say, “I’m not happy. I want a divorce.” I call this a “hit and run” way to tell your spouse you want out of the marriage and, in my professional opinion, it is the most hurtful, hateful and heinous way to exit your nuptials.

Those on the receiving end of this proclamation would surely agree with me. A hundred per cent of the people who come to see me after their spouse has dropped this two ton bomb on them have been nothing short of devastated, bleary eyed and incapacitated–often for a long time. What, when and how you tell your spouse you want a divorce will depend greatly on whether the two of you have had any previous conversations about divorce.

Couples who have been mutually unhappy or have had conversations using the “D” word will obviously be less thrown off than those who didn’t see it coming. One woman described the day she was told this way: “My biggest concern that morning as we went to work was what we would be having for dinner that night.” She had no idea that her husband was even unhappy, let alone that he was thinking of leaving. It makes me wonder why so many people take this strategy. What could they be thinking? Or not thinking? Feeling? Or not feeling? While there are always exceptions to any rule, I have seen five main reasons why “hit and runs” are so prevalent. I’ve also included rebuttals to these reasons that demonstrate how the leaver actually ends up getting the opposite result intended.

1) Fear: If I tell him I’m unhappy, he will go to pieces and I’ll feel guilty Where’s the logic here? Do you not see that if you LEAVE suddenly he will be more likely to go to pieces and you will feel more guilty?

2) Selfishness: I don’t care about her feelings. “I just want out!” Treating someone with this level of disrespect and disregard actually keeps you in longer and stronger because the person you are leaving is in shock and often can’t/won’t accept the fact that you really mean what you are saying and that you want out.

3) Impatience: I just want to get this over with! Again, the chances of exiting quickly or gracefully diminish drastically when you give your spouse no warning of your departure. Your spouse, who may be just starting the grief process, will delay the process interminably by having to have their emotions “catch up” to yours.

4) Lack of Courage: I’m a “rip the band-aid off quickly” kind of person because I can’t stand to hurt someone If this person had courage, they would have told their spouse way back when that they were not happy. They would have had the courage to do the work it takes on themselves and on the marriage; the courage to face their problems.

5) Sneakiness: Maybe I can live a double life and he’ll never find out It is often people who have been having an affair who take this tack in leaving their marriage. They have set themselves up with a new life and they are ready to move on. I’m sure there are other justifications people can come up with as to why they leave this way, but it only serves to make the process take longer, make the separation more difficult, make your spouse more emotional and perhaps even irrational and it is not the way you treat someone you exchanged vows with.

By Susan Pease Gadoua Author, Contemplating Divorce, A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go Original article at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/susan-pease-gadoua/how-not-to-tell-your-spou_b_820042.html

Compiled by Bertus Preller Divorce Attorney – Abrahams and Gross Inc. http://www.divorceattorney.co.za

Love and Money: Tie up the loose ends before you tie the knot

The major problem with an antenuptial contract is that it is drawn up at a time when divorce is probably the last thing on one’s mind.

Yet the contract governs what will happen to a married couple’s assets in the event of divorce or dissolution of the marriage. And it has implications for married life too. Moreover, it’s a bargain compared to what a wedding costs.

There are three types of marriage regimes in South Africa:

• In community of property – everything is pooled into a joint estate; husband and wife become owners of all assets at the time of the marriage, and all assets and liabilities thereafter. The advantage is economic equality; the disadvantage is there is no protection if one of the spouses becomes insolvent or is sued. The joint estate is then liable for the debts of both parties;
• Out of community of property before 1984 – it is common in such a marriage for one party to have significantly more assets than the other. For instance, the wife brought up the children, while the husband was the breadwinner. In the event of divorce in this instance, the courts have discretion to award a redistribution of assets;
• Out of community of property after 1984 - unless specifically stated in the antenuptial contract, such a marriage is subject to the accrual system; what is amassed over the life of the marriage is accrued. If a marriage out of community of property after 1984 with accrual is dissolved, the parties get an equal share of what they have amassed over the marriage, minus what they owe.

If accrual is expressly excluded, the parties have no claims against each other, other than for maintenance.

The advantage is that there is protection for spouses should the other become insolvent. Each spouse has his/her own estate and does not share in the other’s profit or loss. But not sharing in profits could be a major disadvantage for the spouse with a much smaller estate.

When drafting the antenuptial contract, the spouses can expressly exclude certain assets, such as a property or a share portfolio.

The advantage is protection should one of the spouses become insolvent. There is a fair division of profit accumulated during the marriage, but not prior to it.

Wealth, ignorance and poverty play a role in determining which format is chosen, said Bertus Preller, a divorce and family law attorney at Abrahams & Gross. Most married couples from a poor or uneducated background marry in community of property because they don’t have the means to pay the fees for an antenuptial contract, or simply lack the knowledge.

Preller said marriage out of community of property with the accrual system is perhaps, the fairest marriage system for most couples.

One of the advantages of an antenuptial contract is that there is nothing preventing one spouse from making a donation to the other – there is no donations tax between husband and wife – provided that the donor is solvent and that the donation doesn’t render him/her insolvent.

This is the only regime that allows for tax-free donations between spouses.

The reason for the accrual system is, essentially, to protect the wife.

One’s circumstances will usually dictate what marriage option to choose. In a second marriage, for example, the couple may be in their 40s or 50s and exclude accrual altogether. There may be children from earlier marriages. Accrual would affect what children inherit.

To be valid, the antenuptial contract must be signed by both parties prior to the marriage before a notary public. It must be registered at the Deeds Office within three months of marriage.

Attorneys’ and/or notaries’ fees to draft and register a simple antenuptial contract vary between R1000 and R3000.

To change it, the parties must make a court application and place adverts seeking creditors’ approval. The cost is between R10000 and R20000.

Source: Times Live

About Bertus Preller:

Bertus Preller is a Divorce and Family Law Attorney in Cape Town and has more than 20 years experience in law and 13 years as a practising attorney. He specializes in Family law and Divorce Law at Abrahams and Gross Attorneys Inc. in Cape Town. Bertus is also the Family Law expert on Health24.com and on the expert panel of Law24.com. His areas of expertise are Divorce Law, Family Law, Divorce Mediation, Custody (care and contact) of children, same sex marriages, unmarried fathers rights, domestic violence matters and international divorce law.

Parenting after Divorce, helping your children to cope with divorce

Parenting after Divorce

Following divorce, the role of a spouse ends, yet the role of a parent continues.

The following questions may be helpful –

• How can I be involved in my child’s life?
• How do I manage parenting if my ex spouse and I can’t get along?
• How can I get along with my ex spouse well enough to parent our children together?

Co-parenting means that both parents play an active role in their children’s day-to-day lives. A vital key to successful co-parenting arrangements is how well the parents function. What works best for some divorced parents may not work well for others.

Research has shown that benefits of co-parenting include:

• Children develop stability.
• Children continue relationships with both parents.
• Children are less likely to feel torn between their parents.
• Children are less likely to feel abandoned.
• Children are less likely to feel they have to meet the social and emotional needs of their parents.

In every divorce, parents must recognize the importance of finishing what they started namely raising their children. Divorce is extremely difficult for most children. They benefit when they have relationships with both parents and they tend to adjust better to divorce when:

• Parents don’t place their children in the middle of their conflicts.
• Both parents respond to the needs of their children.
• They have a good relationship with both of their parents.
• Parents don’t argue, especially when their children are present.

Problems between parent and child may result from problems between parents

Problems may develop if parents send messages to each other through their children. Problems also arise when a parent talks negatively about the other parent. Children may feel guilty and unsure of their parents’ love when they’re caught in the middle. If a parent asks about a former spouse, children may report that things are fine, even if they’re not. Or children may say things to make one of the parents feel bad. Again, don’t use your children by putting them in the middle. If you want to know something about your ex-spouse, ask that person yourself.

Parents often disagree on how to discipline their children. When mothers and fathers have different rules, children may not respect either set of limits, or they may use the differences to gain power over parents. For example, a mother may change a curfew and the daughter may say to her father, “Mom lets me stay out until midnight.” It’s important to have clear rules and boundaries in your household. Try not to feel guilty if your rules are different than those of your ex-partner. If you are comfortable with the rules you have set, stick with them. When it seems you and your former-spouse can’t agree on certain issues, it helps to restate common goals.

Helping children adjust

Children can adjust to a variety of living patterns, including living in two homes. How well children adjust depends on whether parents can minimize their conflicts, stop arguing and focus on their children’s needs. When parents can’t agree, tell the children there will be separate rules in each home. It may be frustrating, but it’s important to remember that your children need you to be a strong, positive influence in their lives.

The following books can be recommended on the subject of parenting:

Helping your kids cope with divorce the sandcastles way.

The author will empower you to contain your children’s anxiety and feelings of insecurity and to re-establish a measure of equilibrium as effectively as possible. Using loads of case studies from her extensive files, Anne highlights the following: How, when and where to inform your children in an age-appropriate and honest way; Emotional support for you, the parent; Guidance on effective parenting skills to help your children. The how to of active listening, anger management and clear, firm and consistent boundary setting – all with practical examples.

This revised and updated second edition features ideas from the latest research, more information on long-distance parenting, dealing with the courts, and working with a difficult co-parent. “Parents argue a lot before a divorce,” says Dr. Stahl. “If they continue to argue after the divorce, their children will suffer.” Stahl knows parents are not perfect, and he uses that knowledge to show imperfect parents how to settle their differences in the best interests of the children. Often required reading in court-mandated divorce education classes.

Invaluable parenting advice on how to coparent. during and after divorce, from a sought-after expert on parenting topics. As a court-appointed child custody evaluator for 15 years, Dr. Peter Favaro is uniquely qualified to write this must-have guide for parents going through divorce. A child psychologist, he understands the effects divorce can have on families, especially when difficult exes, lawyers, visitation schedules, and other issues directly affect the child. Favaro addresses 50 essential topics in. short, easy-to-read chapters, including 100 dos and donts that will make things easier on your child–and better for your family.

Compiled by:

Bertus Preller is a Divorce and Family Law Attorney in Cape Town and has more than 20 years experience in law and 13 years as a practising attorney. He specializes in Family law and Divorce Law at Abrahams and Gross Attorneys Inc. in Cape Town. Bertus is also the Family Law expert on Health24.com and on the expert panel of Law24.com. His areas of expertise are Divorce Law, Family Law, Divorce Mediation, Custody (care and contact) of children, same sex marriages, unmarried fathers rights, domestic violence matters and international divorce law.

Divorce and Finances some Tips by Divorce Attorney Bertus Preller

You wouldn’t think that a divorce attorney would be the first person to give advice on how best to prevent a divorce, but then, Bertus Preller, Family and Divorce Law Attorney at Abrahams and Gross Inc. in Cape Town isn’t your average divorce attorney. He is one of the most prominent divorce attorneys based in South Africa, having handled many high-profile divorces of television personalities, artists and sportsmen and being the founder of SA’s largest online divorce platform eDivorce, he is certainly in the mix of everything when it comes to Divorce and Family Law in South Africa.

Preller shared some advice when interviewed by newsbreak.

The success or failure of your marriage relationship may hinge on how well you deal with issues such as finances, sexuality, communication, conflict, parenting, in-laws, leisure time, family of origin, spirituality, expectations, and chores.

When exactly is the best time to begin talking seriously about finances with your partner?

To me, the finance talk is a pretty comprehensive discussion about how you and your partner will handle the money that comes in and goes out of your life. If you come from two different “schools” on this topic, it can be a difficult discussion to have. For someone that’s more of a “spender” they may try to deflect having the conversation at all.  You have to talk about finances at two points in the relationship. The first is when you decide to move in together and blend households, and the second is if and when you merge finances. One should never wait when things are starting to get crappy and you’re already bickering about money. When things are harmonious, you sit down and talk about these things; it will engender feelings of love and trust. You just don’t do it when things are in turmoil.

What specifically should be discussed?

If you have credit card debt, what are your thoughts on it?  Is it something you view as a part of life, or is it somewhere in the future to get it paid off? If one has it and one doesn’t, will it be paid off jointly?

How do you feel about purchases that you can’t afford? Do you go into debt to get them or do you wait until you can pay for them?

How will your finances be set up? Will everything become joint, or remain separate?

How does each spouses’ salary come into play? If one makes more than the other, does that change the makeup of the financial relationship? Meaning, will that person have more say in financial decisions, or not?

I recently read an interview with Laura Wasser a prominent Divorce Lawyer in the United States who highlighted a couple of good pointers.

“Family. How much time and money are you going to want to spend on existing family? Do we want to start our own?

Hobbies. What about if he is a golfer and he goes on these extremely expensive golf trips and her hobby is painting and she buys a few oil paints every 3 years. I mean, those are the kind of things that need to be discussed.

Travel. I mean, obviously if you guys have been dating for a while, you’re going to know what each of you likes–is he a backpacker? Are you a spa girl? But at the same time, there are plenty of people who say, ‘look, I’m 40 years old, I don’t ever want to fly anything but business class again.’ That should be discussed.

Shopping. I still know women who have been married for years, but when they come home from a shopping trip they hide their bags in the car until their husband has gone out, and then they kind of bring them in piecemeal, and unwrap them and take tags off because they don’t want their husbands to know what they’ve been purchasing. So shopping–what’s the expectation?

Entertaining and Entertainment. If you’re going to have his work people over, your work people over, are you going to cater? Cook? If you have children, what are their birthday parties going to be like? Is he going to be offended if you want to have the birthday party catered or valet parking? And what are the expectations for spending on entertainment outside the home–concerts, movies, theatre, that sort of thing?

Charitable contributions. This is a big one. People like to be able to do what they want to do with their money. Many people have very strong feelings about what kind of charitable contributions they make. It’s important to have a conversation about how much of your income is going be put in there.

Meals. Are you going to cook at home or eat out most nights? If you’re going out, which caliber (and price range) of restaurant? Are you taking packed lunches to work versus doing expensive work lunches or lunches with the girls?

Savings and investments. How much of your income do you want to put away each year? If one person is spending all of their income on clothes, travel, hobbies, and entertaining, and one person is saving it, that may not be quite fair if and when you guys split up, depending on what the law is and what you decided to do.

Estate planning issues. Wills, life insurance policies. This is definitely more a marriage one–something to talk about a little further down the line. Maybe earlier on, you may want to deal with insurance, like auto and health. You don’t want to move in with someone and find out that they don’t have auto or health insurance. That’s a rude awakening.

Gifts. How much are you spending on gifts?

Home décor and home remodelling. Again, what’s the expectation?”

So your advice is taking this list and going through it, just as you would do with a financial planner?

Almost in the same way. Why wouldn’t you have such a conversation with someone you’re sharing your life with instead of with the person who is just getting paid to take care of you?

Why is it so important to have these conversations at the start of a relationship?

You will be amazed sitting from where I sit at the things I hear from people regarding the arguments that they’ve gotten into about finances. Bottom line, these are things that you don’t want to have resentment about later because they haven’t been discussed.

What if the financial circumstances change during the course of the relationship?

You have to constantly re-evaluate your circumstances. Check in either on an annual basis. It’s very interesting to see couples who have been married for a very long time and when and if they split up, one of them would say ‘I just had no idea that the situation was so dire!’ Whether things go up in terms of household economy or down, if you’re in it for the long haul, then you would tighten your belts together, and if things are good, you splurge together. Usually you here the women saying, ‘I’m so embarrassed but you’d have no idea what we spend, I have no idea what my husband makes. I just don’t know. I never worried about it.’ I think if you are going to be in a relationship with someone, you need to be able to share the responsibilities, the knowledge, and the worry. It’s not like it was when our parents or their parents were having lives where the mom worked in the kitchen and the husband worried about it and the wife didn’t know there was any problem. I mean, you should both be aware of what’s going on.

You need to continue to communicate and work together, always remembering you are working towards the same goal. You can do this by:

• Communicating. As soon as you start avoiding talking about money with your spouse, or hiding new purchases then you are going to deviate from the plan, and it will be hard to get back on track.
• Having money discussions. Instead, of ignoring issues with your finances, talk about it with your partner and if something isn’t working, work out why. You’ll then be able to find a solution together, and that is what marriage is all about.
• Monitoring net worth. Your net worth is a good indicator of how well you are sticking to your budgets and financial plans, and as a couple you should revisit your net worth each month to make sure it is going up and not down.
• Revisiting your goals and plans. It is all very well to make plans for the future, but we all know that unexpected events can pop up and change these plans. Therefore, make sure you continue to track your progress towards your goals, and readjust your ideas for the future if necessary.

About Bertus Preller

Bertus Preller is a Divorce and Family Law Attorney in Cape Town and has more than 20 years experience in law and 13 years as a practising attorney. He specializes in Family law and Divorce Law at Abrahams and Gross Attorneys Inc. in Cape Town. Bertus is also the Family Law expert on Health24.com and on the expert panel of Law24.com. His areas of expertise are Divorce Law, Family Law, Divorce Mediation, Custody (care and contact) of children, same sex marriages, unmarried fathers rights, domestic violence matters and international divorce law.

http://www.divorceattorney.co.za