Don’t mess up your children in a divorce or separation



Parenting
The welfare of children in a divorce or separation is the most important aspect of any divorce. Although most couples believe children’s welfare is one of the most important factors to consider in a divorce, a great percentage of parents that divorce or separate see conflict as an inevitable part of the process and are determined to fight battles in court.

From time to time one comes across an intransigent parent who is incapable of objectivity when considering what is best for the child. It may well be that you do not like your partner, but the child’s view of the parent is different. He or she will have love and trust for that person, capable of transcending even the most dreadful scenes that may have been witnessed.

Unfortunately it occurs often that one parent use the machinery of the law in a wrongful manner in an attempt to “legally abduct” or alienate a child by making false allegations against or about the other parent.  Often one would find that a parent will for example falsely accuse the other parent of sexually molesting the child or accusing the other parent of emotional abuse towards the child. In a recent matter a mother who was the custodian parent brought an application for a protection order against the father on behalf of their 8 year old daughter because according to her the father abused the child emotionally, when the father in fact only disciplined the child. The father was trying to make telephonic contact with his daughter for days but the mother frustrated the contact by not answering the phone and replying to his sms messages. When the father eventually did manage to speak to his daughter he disciplined her over the phone for not contacting him. The child burst out in tears and the mother used the incident as the basis for a protection order against the father for alleged emotional abuse of the child. The court granted an interim protection order in the father’s absence and the father was only able to see his child under supervision, previously the father had contact with his child every alternate weekend. A social worker was then appointed as well as a psychologist to investigate. Needless to say the child was dragged through court appearances at the Children’s court.

A child prevented from seeing a parent, they still love will eventually turn the resentment against the one trying to enforce the unenforceable. Parents often fail to comprehend the impact on the children of the conflict in their relationship. The adults in the child’s life, can make the divorce and separation experience for a child much less harmful by being aware of several ways to help the child:

The child must feel and experience unconditional love from each parent.

The child must feel free of fault for the divorce and separation.

The child must feel that each parent respects the rights of the other parent.

The child must feel that he/she will be okay after the divorce and separation.

The child must feel that each parent will be okay after the divorce and separation.

Children sense and feel their parent’s emotions and especially the parent’s emotions toward one another. During a divorce and separation, adults experience some very strong and difficult emotions. It is difficult for a human being to understand how he/she could have so much love and passion for another person at one point in time, and then later have so much disdain and even hatred for that same person. It is okay for parents to talk to the child about the fact that they don’t love each other any more  but the child must hear, sense, and feel that while the parents don’t love each other any more and don’t want to live in the same house, they do respect each other’s rights as a parent to the child. For example, both parents should encourage the child to spend time with the other parent, to respect to the other parent, to obey the other parent, and to love the other parent. This can be very difficult when a parent thinks the other is making poor decisions.

The goal for divorced or separated parents should always be to maintain the best co-parenting relationships possible by moving past previous relationship issues and focusing on children’s well-beings. Conflict within a relationship or marriage where there are children involved or after a divorce or separation is the most harmful thing parents can do for their children’s development. If children go through their parents’ divorce, they have lost some access to both their parents to an extent. If the parental combat continues, the children have not only lost that access, they are still involved in that conflict and it harms children. Focusing on the children instead of the relationship problems can help divorced couples to be better parents, not messed up parents.

Source: http://voices.news24.com/bertus-preller/2013/03/if-you-do-mess-up-your-marriage-or-relationship-please-dont-mess-up-your-children-in-the-process/

Bertus Preller

Family Law Attorney

Abrahams and Gross Inc. – Cape Town

Twitter: bertuspreller

Web: http://www.divorceattorney.co.za

Egskeidings Prokureur gee raad oor egskeidings


Egskeiding Prokureur Kaapstad – Abrahams en Gross Inc.

Bertus Preller is in beheer van die Egskeiding en Familiereg Afdelings by  Abrahams en Gross ‘ n regsfirma in Kaapstad. Die firma is reeds in 1935 gestig. Hy word beskou as een van die top egskeiding prokureurs in Kaapstad en hanteer egskeidings en familie reg sake regoor Suid Afrika.

Wat is belangrik in ‘n egskeiding saak?

Wat belangrik is in enige egskeiding saak is strategie. My benadering tot enige egskeiding of familiereg dispuut is om dit so gou as moontlik te skik, in my klient se guns natuurlik of tot voordeel van beide partye waar ek namens beide van hulle optree. Die voordeel is dat dit dan koste-effektief is en minder emosionele letsels laat. Egskeiding, ongeag hoe vriendskaplik dit is, is altyd vol emosie en nooit maklik nie. Waar daar wel ‘n geleentheid is om te rekonsilieer moet beide partye dit ten alle koste probeer. ‘n Gesonde samelewing is die gevolg van ‘n stabiele gesinslewe en daarom is egskeiding nie altyd die uitweg nie. Ek glo dat baie egskeidings in die eerste plek nooit moes plaasvind nie.

Wat is die koste verbonde aan ‘n egskeiding?

Dit is belangrik om te onderskei tussen “vriendskaplike of onbestrede egskeidings” en “vyandige of bestrede egskeidings”. Waar die partye wel kan ooreenkom oor die verdeling van die bates, onderhoud en by wie die kinders gaan woon na egskeiding en watter vorm van toegang die ander ouer gaan kry is dit soms beter om gebruik te maak van ‘n selfdoen of DIY egskeidingsdiens soos eDivorce. In ‘n Onbestrede egskeiding kan die koste tot so min as R 950 wees indien beide partye gebruik maak van’ n aanlyn-doen-dit-self, of DIY egskeidingsdiens soos eDivorce, http://www.edivorce.co.za.  Wanneer partye gebruik maak van ‘n prokureur kan dit enigiets van R4500 af kos. Regskoste kan wissel na gelang van die kompleksiteit van ‘n egskeiding saak.

Hoe lank neem ‘n onbestrede egskeiding?

‘n Onbestrede egskeiding kan gefinaliseer word binne ‘n paar weke. Afhangende van jou prokureur kan dit enigiets neem van 3 tot 6 weke. In die hantering van egskeidingsaangeleenthede, doen ons gewoonlik ons bes om dit te probeer afhandel sou gou moontlik en benader ons elke saak om die bes moontlike resultaat tot verkry. Groot omstrede egskeiding aangeleenthede, waar meer bates op die spel is, kos ongetwyfeld meer en kan baie tydrowend wees.

Hoe lank neem ‘n bestrede egskeiding?

‘n Bestrede egskeiding kan tot 3 jaar of selfs langer neem om af te handel en die koste daaraan verbonde kan honderde duisende rande beloop.

Waarop is jy geregtig as jy binne gemeenskap of buite gemeenskap van goedere getroud is?

Indien jy getroud is binne gemeenskap van goedere, is jy geregtig op 50% van die gemeenskaplike boedel en as jy getroud is buite gemeenskap van goedere met die aanwasbedeling, is jy geregtig op die helfte van die verskil van jou en jou gade se aanwas, indien sy aanwas groter was as joune. As jy getroud is buite gemeenskap van goedere sonder die aanwasbedeling voor 1 November 1984, sal jy geregtig wees om te vra vir ‘n herverdeling van bates, wat behels dat jy in staat kan wees om 50% van die gesamentlike bates op te eis, maar indien jy getroud is buite gemeenskap van goedere sonder die aanwasbedeling na 1 November 1984 sal jy slegs kan eis vir onderhoud.

Wanneer is jy geregtig op onderhoud?

Daar is verskeie faktore wat in aanmerking geneem moet word om te bepaal of jy geregtig sal wees op lewenslange onderhoud. Jy kan onder sekere omstandighede ook rehabiliterende onderhoud eis. Rehabiliterende onderhoud is waar een gade die ander vir ‘n tydperk betaal, bv. vir drie jaar of meer.

Ek het nie geld om te skei nie, wat nou?

Jy kan ‘n hof aansoek bring hangende die finalisering van die egskeiding om tussentydse onderhoud te verkry, terwyl die egskeiding in die proses is, jy kan jy ook in so’ n aansoek eis dat jou gade ‘n bydrae maak aan jou regskoste.

Watter raad kan jy vir vrouens gee wat wil skei?

  • Kry soveel finansiële inligting oor jou eggenoot moontlik, maak afskrifte van al die bankstate, kredietkaart state, sowel as ‘n skedule van al die bates en laste, bronne van inkomste, ens.
  • Stel ‘n gedetailleerde begroting van jou huidige maandelikse uitgawes en inkomste op. Vir jou en jou kinders maak voorsiening vir toekomstige uitgawes.
  • Jy kan selfs aandring op die sessie van’ n versekeringspolis op jou gade se lewe in die geval dat hy/sy gestremd raak of sterf om jou onderhoud te verseker.
  • Poog te alle tye om aan te bly in die gesamentlike woning (as dit naby aan die kinders se skool of jou werk is). Die feit dat die kinders bly in die omgewing waaraan hulle gewoont is sal meer stabiliteit teweeg bring.
  • Onthou dat jy nie noodwendig altyd die oordragkoste hoef te betaal vir ‘n eiendom wat aan jou oorgedra word tydens jou egskeiding nie. Jy kan verskeie opsies met betrekking tot die eiendom uit oefen, byvoorbeeld deur dit te behou en jou gade se gedeelte oor te dra op jou naam of dit te verkoop en die netto wins te verdeel ens.
  • Maak seker dat jou egskeiding Skikkingsooreenkoms ‘n bepaling het wat tot gevolg het dat jy beslag kan le op jou eggenote se salaris in geval hy nie onderhoud betaal nie.
  • Sorg dat jou egskeiding Skikkingsooreenkoms so opgestel word om ‘n deel van enige bates te bekom in die toekoms wat jou eggenoot dalk weggesteek het, en waarvan jy nie bewus is op datum van egskeiding nie.
  • Moenie skik vir minder as waarop jy geregtig is nie, baie vroue neem eenvoudig die pad uit as gevolg van emosionele druk. Onthou dat egskeiding altyd ‘n sake-besluit is en die besluite wat jy nou maak sal ‘n impak jare later in jou lewe he.
  • Egskeiding kan baie frustrerend en emosioneel wees en dit neem tyd en strategiese beplanning. Moenie van prokureurs verander in die proses bloot as gevolg van jou eie frustrasie nie.
  • Onthou dat jou ex se bates ook insluit aandeelhoudings in maatskappye, aftree-fondse, pensioenfondse en selfs belasting terugbetalings.
  • Dink met jou kop en nie met jou hart nie.
  • Onthou om jou testament te verander binnekort na die egskeiding.

Bertus Preller is ‘n egskeidings prokureur in Kaapstad. Hy spesialiseer in egskeidings en familiereg sake by Abrahams en Gross Ing en is ook die Familiereg kenner by die Health24.com forum, Co-Parenting forum en op die deskundiges paneel van Law24.com. Hy word dikwels aangehaal in koerante soos die Sunday Times, Sunday Tribune, Business Times, asook tydskrifte soos Noseweek, Huisgenoot en You aangehaal oor familiereg en egskeidings. Hy spesialiseer in egskeiding, familiereg, mediasie, ouerskap planne, ouerlike verantwoordelikhede, bewaring sorg en kontak van kinders, ongetroude vader regte, huishoudelike geweld sake, interdikte en internasionale egskeidings.

Kontakbesonderhede
E-pos adres :bertus@divorceattorney.co.za
Hotline Nommer: 083 5334428
021 422 1323

Die Kinderwet in Afrikaans


Family Law Guide South Africa

To obtain the South African Children’s Act in Afrikaans click here: Die nuwe kinderwet